21w5d :)

Gonna be a mama

Wow. So, 3 months later I actually blog again. Sorry Crystal for my lack of discipline with the whole blogging thing. I'm such a slacker! Haha! Anywho, I have plenty to write about but have no idea how in the world I'm going to get it all out in an organized, comprehensible manner. I'll just blog and you read. Give me some grace. :)

So, I'm gonna be a mama. Freakin' excited to the core! I've realized a lot over the last few months. The Lord has been blessing me so much with little tid-bits of lovin' from Heaven. He speaks to my heart in some way just about every day reminding me that all I need is Him. He is so patient with me. I love it. Realized that I have this crazy tendency to over prepare myself for situations that never happen, over think about situations that may never happen, and develop all sorts of retarded expectations that only prove to stress me out and keep me from enjoying the every day blessings the Lord has for me. I use to be an extremely religious person. This religiosity really kept me from every experiencing the peace, joy, comfort, and freedom (the list goes on and on) that I always read about in the Bible and heard in testimonies of other Christians. I always tried to put this face of happiness on but inside I knew it was all fake. It took the Lord a long time to break through and help me realized that I was just trying way too hard at life. Though I "knew" that I didn't have to earn God's love, something inside of me just felt compelled to do things for God in order to feel more worthy of His love. This all left me feeling more worthless and depressed. In reality, through all of my efforts trying to earn it I was telling God that I didn't need His Son or His atoning sacrifice because I could just work enough hours at church, teach the bible to enough kids, go on enough missions trips, sing enough songs, sacrifice enough desires, be holy enough, and bless enough people to earn my way into His heart and obtain my everlasting reward. Wow. I was such a Pharisee (and still can be). Did you know it's possible to know the Word of God and still not be changed? To know Jesus, but still not experience the depth of His love?! It was like I was stuck in this faux-understanding of God's love. I just thought way too highly of myself. LOL! Thank you Lord for setting me free. Sometimes it creeps in again, but the Lord is so faithful to speak to my heart...

So, I was sitting in a Thai restaurant with Donnie recently. I was telling him how I haven't felt that overwhelming sense of spontaneous praise and thankfulness in my heart toward the Lord, lately. (Something I started experiencing when I realized it's OK to be me and to let God be God. I'm not perfect!! Woohoo! I don't have to be. Freedom.) As I was talking about what was going on in my heart the Lord started speaking to me. He opened my eyes to realize that I started feeling burdened and my spirit had been overwhelmed the last few weeks. Why? Then I realized that it was when I started really over thinking the pregnancy, birth, and being a mommy. I realized I was stressed out about stuff like having to have a C-Section when I don't want one, gaining too much weight, gestational diabetes, how to not screw up our child, being successful at breastfeeding, etc. I started up with all these expectations and desires that I was starting to be unwilling to accept anything that differed from my idea of how things should turn out. I was feeling overwhelmed, frightened, and insecure. I could no longer enjoy my pregnancy because I was terrified of the next few months and what they'd hold. I was so over concerned with doing everything I could to prevent myself from having a C-Section so as to be able to experience a normal birth. Also, in addition I was concerned that if I didn't accomplish a normal birth that it would be more difficult to breastfeed, something I really, REALLY believe in and desire to do. I wanted to do everything as God-intended as possible (except the epidural....TOTALLY getting an epidural.) My mom and my sister both had C-Sections and didn't breastfeed (or at least not for long) and I felt that my fate had already been decided by their experiences so I was trying EXTRA hard to do everything I could to prevent that from happening. HOWEVER, one thing I've learned about the Lord is that when you let go, stop planning, and just ride this ride called life with the Lord as your lead then whatever comes around the corner will always, ALWAYS be better and more perfect for you than anything you could've planned or expected. I forgot, but God reminded me. I love Him. What if, just what if God has a wonderful plan that involves a C-Section?! Or, the Lord has a different parenting strategy, or my child has a totally wonderful, yet unexpected personality that I didn't plan for?! What blessings would I miss out on if I kept planning my way like it was mine to plan! This is what they must mean when they say, "Let go, and Let God."

So, I have determined through my understanding of our Father that the Lord intends for me to enjoy the blessing of this pregnancy and this baby, and life in general. I have to do nothing but stick with Him (something He told me from the very beginning) and to trust Him with it all and through it all. Every up and every down. I can only do my best. I can't do it all. Why make plans when the plans have already been made by the Lord? Why strive to live a life that God hasn't written in His book? When I get to live every day without my own expectations as to it's contents, I have found that my days are full of peace, joy, and the most wonderful adventures that could ever be expressed with words. This is the life I always want to live. Thanks to the Lord, He will always remind me of this because He doesn't want me to miss out on it either. What a great God.

Can't wait to be a mommy and to experience every single thing God has planned for me. All of it! Some will be fun and some painful but I don't care because it's all from my Jesus who loves me and therefore I know it will all be for good. SWEET.

Blah Blah Bloggin'

So, clearly I'm not a very consistent blogger, but I have good intentions. I've started 5 blogs since my last one but some where in the middle of them got struck with my new friend called pregnancy narcolepsy. Can't seem to keep my eyes open for more than a couple hours at a time and while I LOVE sleeping I can't help but find it annoying when I'm in the middle of "important" tasks and feel the need to lay down. (ie, doing dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, driving, etc.) Yikes! All a part of the wonderful enigma that is pregnancy, I'm sure. I enjoy the idea of being pregnant. However, the actual being pregnant is quite a bit different than I expected. For example, lets take my beloved companions called bowel distention, insomnia (ironically paired with my previously mentioned buddy of spontaneous napping), and frequent trips to the loo. For some reason all of my beautiful, glowing, previously pregnant mommy friends left out these joyous little pregnancy partners. :) Oh well! Like I said, I enjoy the idea of being pregnant.

Funny thing happened on Christmas morning. My mom had sent us some presents in the mail that we decided to open over Skype in order to get the "real" Christmas morning effect. She sent two packages, aside from the others. One package was labeled "Flick" and the other "Flicka." (We have decided not to find out the sex of the baby until the baby is born so as to enjoy the natural suspense of it all. We're like that.) Upon opening the presents I found three little boy onesies and two little girl outfits. Contrary to my expectation, I nearly passed out cold. Why? Good question. Until then I guess it hadn't quite sunk in that I was going to be a mom. You'd think the morning sickness and repeated ultrasounds would've clued me in by now. Nope. It was the extra laundry! HA! Holding those tiny little clothes and thinking how there's going to be a baby in them soon really knocked me for a loop. A MOM!? What in the world is going on here? I'm still a kid myself! How the heck can I raise a kid! I can't even keep up on the dishes, or the laundry, or the vacuuming! Holy cow. I just stared at the clothes, then at the computer, then back at the clothes. I felt so bad but I couldn't do much, what with the blood rushing out of my face. Oh geeze. How the heck am I going to pull this one off?! The next day Donnie and I decided to drive to the beach. It's been super sunny and beautiful here in the Pacific Northwest and since Donnie had 3 days off we decided to take advantage of it. On the way there I was quietly praying, casting my cares on Him because He cares for me. Then that still, small voice showed up. I LOVE it when He shows up! He quietly whispered in my ear, "Stay close to Me and it will all be ok." Wow. That really made me feel so much better knowing that all I have to do is stay close to Jesus and He will take care of everything. He's the Master Builder and I am His master plan. We know this baby belongs to Him and find comfort in knowing that He will equip us with everything we need to take care of him/her. Yay! Thank you Lord! Luckily, the Lord knows how much of a worry wart I can be and is always there to comfort my anxieties. Psalm 138.8. So, all in all it was a great Christmas!

Surprise, Bitter-Sweet Blessing

Here is a copy of an email I sent to a friend recently. It explains everything:)
Ok, here goes. I was in California from November 3-18. On the 4th I got such excruciating pain in my lower abdomen I really thought I was dying, Alyssa. I was in Santa Barbara at the time. The house on the ranch is pretty big and I was alone on the other side...had to crawl all the way across the house to get to Christine's room (Donnie's dad's girlfriend who helped me take care of grandma the last few months of her life) and bang on her door. It was about 1:30am. The pain subsided and I finally went back to sleep. It was still happening on the 6th when I got a phone call from Kay because we were planning on spending some time together while I was in Cali. I told her what was happening and she prayed over me. It was amazing because she prayed in the Spirit that God would fill my body with life. The next day I went to the Emergency Room and found out that I was barely...BARELY pregnant! (I must have conceived a week or so before leaving) After calling Donnie (of course) and the appropriate family members I called Kay. She was like, "WHOA!" and told me that after she prayed for me she had this crazy, deep sense that God had just done something amazing. After we had prayed the day before we sat on the phone completely silent together just soaking it up for a few minutes. God had done something awesome!
Anyway, the doctors were really worried that I had an ectopic pregnancy and was bleeding internally but since I was so early they couldn't find the baby on the ultrasound. They sent me home with pain medication and told me to go to my doctor or go back to the ER for more bloodwork to see if the pregnancy was advancing, or had died. I went to Mercy Southwest Emergency Room in Bakersfield two days later, still having the pain but they still couldn't find the baby on the ultrasound. I was like...WHAT?! My blood levels, however, showed that my pregnancy was viable and growing. So, there was a baby, but we couldn't find it! lol I was still having the pain and thought for sure I was dying. I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to have His way and to give me the strength to endure the trial. I was so amazed at the complete saturation of His presence I experienced when it was all happening and I was sure that He was working miracles. The next few days I continued to have the pain, but then had a new symptom. Hope not to gross you out, but I was starting to pee blood. And it HURT! lol Back to the ER. Still couldn't find my baby, but my pregnancy hormone had gone from 60 to 720 by then, so that baby was growin' away! They put me on antibiotics and said I had a horrible bladder infection. (I'm convinced I was passing a series of kidney stones, but that's just me:) ) What a crazy experience. The kicker?! Two weeks before I left for California God showed me in my heart in the way only He can that something was going to happen on this trip. (I immediately assumed my return flight was going to crash into a million pieces. I have problems lol) I really thought I was going to die in California somehow, so you could imagine when I was starting to have the pain where my mind went. I was ok with it, but I think no matter what there's always this sense of nervousness and frailty when it comes to our mortality. It was scary, but Jesus was with me the whole time. NEVER thought I was going to find out I was pregnant. When I came home I immediately scheduled a dr apt and got an ultra sound and there was my baby...in the right spot, with a heart beat! I cried. Then, our last appointment we got to hear the heart beat. I am so thankful to God for it all. Throughout the whole thing in Cali it was pretty much assumed that I was going to lose the baby, or had already lost it....but one night when I was worshipping the Lord I had a vision of a nurse handing me a baby all bundled up. I was so thankful! My very own glow worm! lol I don't know what will happen and I am still in a very risky state of pregnancy, but I trust the Lord that no matter what happens that this baby belongs to Him alone. He will do with His child what He will, and I am confident it will be good.