Gonna be a mama

Wow. So, 3 months later I actually blog again. Sorry Crystal for my lack of discipline with the whole blogging thing. I'm such a slacker! Haha! Anywho, I have plenty to write about but have no idea how in the world I'm going to get it all out in an organized, comprehensible manner. I'll just blog and you read. Give me some grace. :)

So, I'm gonna be a mama. Freakin' excited to the core! I've realized a lot over the last few months. The Lord has been blessing me so much with little tid-bits of lovin' from Heaven. He speaks to my heart in some way just about every day reminding me that all I need is Him. He is so patient with me. I love it. Realized that I have this crazy tendency to over prepare myself for situations that never happen, over think about situations that may never happen, and develop all sorts of retarded expectations that only prove to stress me out and keep me from enjoying the every day blessings the Lord has for me. I use to be an extremely religious person. This religiosity really kept me from every experiencing the peace, joy, comfort, and freedom (the list goes on and on) that I always read about in the Bible and heard in testimonies of other Christians. I always tried to put this face of happiness on but inside I knew it was all fake. It took the Lord a long time to break through and help me realized that I was just trying way too hard at life. Though I "knew" that I didn't have to earn God's love, something inside of me just felt compelled to do things for God in order to feel more worthy of His love. This all left me feeling more worthless and depressed. In reality, through all of my efforts trying to earn it I was telling God that I didn't need His Son or His atoning sacrifice because I could just work enough hours at church, teach the bible to enough kids, go on enough missions trips, sing enough songs, sacrifice enough desires, be holy enough, and bless enough people to earn my way into His heart and obtain my everlasting reward. Wow. I was such a Pharisee (and still can be). Did you know it's possible to know the Word of God and still not be changed? To know Jesus, but still not experience the depth of His love?! It was like I was stuck in this faux-understanding of God's love. I just thought way too highly of myself. LOL! Thank you Lord for setting me free. Sometimes it creeps in again, but the Lord is so faithful to speak to my heart...

So, I was sitting in a Thai restaurant with Donnie recently. I was telling him how I haven't felt that overwhelming sense of spontaneous praise and thankfulness in my heart toward the Lord, lately. (Something I started experiencing when I realized it's OK to be me and to let God be God. I'm not perfect!! Woohoo! I don't have to be. Freedom.) As I was talking about what was going on in my heart the Lord started speaking to me. He opened my eyes to realize that I started feeling burdened and my spirit had been overwhelmed the last few weeks. Why? Then I realized that it was when I started really over thinking the pregnancy, birth, and being a mommy. I realized I was stressed out about stuff like having to have a C-Section when I don't want one, gaining too much weight, gestational diabetes, how to not screw up our child, being successful at breastfeeding, etc. I started up with all these expectations and desires that I was starting to be unwilling to accept anything that differed from my idea of how things should turn out. I was feeling overwhelmed, frightened, and insecure. I could no longer enjoy my pregnancy because I was terrified of the next few months and what they'd hold. I was so over concerned with doing everything I could to prevent myself from having a C-Section so as to be able to experience a normal birth. Also, in addition I was concerned that if I didn't accomplish a normal birth that it would be more difficult to breastfeed, something I really, REALLY believe in and desire to do. I wanted to do everything as God-intended as possible (except the epidural....TOTALLY getting an epidural.) My mom and my sister both had C-Sections and didn't breastfeed (or at least not for long) and I felt that my fate had already been decided by their experiences so I was trying EXTRA hard to do everything I could to prevent that from happening. HOWEVER, one thing I've learned about the Lord is that when you let go, stop planning, and just ride this ride called life with the Lord as your lead then whatever comes around the corner will always, ALWAYS be better and more perfect for you than anything you could've planned or expected. I forgot, but God reminded me. I love Him. What if, just what if God has a wonderful plan that involves a C-Section?! Or, the Lord has a different parenting strategy, or my child has a totally wonderful, yet unexpected personality that I didn't plan for?! What blessings would I miss out on if I kept planning my way like it was mine to plan! This is what they must mean when they say, "Let go, and Let God."

So, I have determined through my understanding of our Father that the Lord intends for me to enjoy the blessing of this pregnancy and this baby, and life in general. I have to do nothing but stick with Him (something He told me from the very beginning) and to trust Him with it all and through it all. Every up and every down. I can only do my best. I can't do it all. Why make plans when the plans have already been made by the Lord? Why strive to live a life that God hasn't written in His book? When I get to live every day without my own expectations as to it's contents, I have found that my days are full of peace, joy, and the most wonderful adventures that could ever be expressed with words. This is the life I always want to live. Thanks to the Lord, He will always remind me of this because He doesn't want me to miss out on it either. What a great God.

Can't wait to be a mommy and to experience every single thing God has planned for me. All of it! Some will be fun and some painful but I don't care because it's all from my Jesus who loves me and therefore I know it will all be for good. SWEET.